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Reviews and pictures of actress Diana Conca naked in "No me toques el pito que me irrito", "Sexo sangriento", "Esas chicas tan pu...", and 1 more title.
Cheery Spanish actress, being a little plump she made an unlikely starlet.
# Sexo sangriento (Manuel Esteba, Spain, 1981) (featuring Diana Conca as Laura) ✭ ✭ ✭ ✭ ✭
with Vicky Palma, Ovidi Montllor, Mirta Miller, Rosa Romero, Carlos Villafranca, Vicenç Manel Domènech, Gloria Sancho and Ramon Ferre
Murky modern gothic video nasty in which Diana and her lesbian girlfriend Vicky Palma are on a wintry motoring tour of the Spanish mountains. A third girl (Rosa Romero) accompanies them, but being not lesbian (merely 'bi-curious') plays a lesser part in the proceedings.
When their car breaks down in suspicious circumstances and a handsome lady (Mirta Miller) appears out of nowhere to offer her assistance the girls are not alarmed. One look at the woman's stocky physique and sensible shoes assures them she is not Luciana Paluzzi out of Tragic Ceremony; the girls were not born yesterday but have seen that one and this definitely isn't it. So they gladly accompany her to her grand but decaying mansion - the ominously looming one on the hillside.
When assembling a cheap shocker out of a bunch of clichés it's vitally important to pick the right ones; it's just as important as selecting the best stock themes from the music library. Happily this film succeeds in both. Wishing to give back a little for her hostess's hospitality Diana agrees to pop into her studio and be painted in the nude. Yes this woman has artistic tendencies as well as the motherly kind of lesbian ones. But most women get like that once they reach a certain age.
Obviously Diana is a little uncomfortable at first, having to make small talk while perched naked upon a wooden stool, feeling a little like she's on the 'loo' as women call it. And why does The Countess (not her real name it just slipped out) insist on making her wear that massive gold medallion - that's just bloody suspicious if you ask me (cf. Monica Swinn in Draguse).
Never mind, no one's going to find out any guilty secrets; the artist promised to hide the finished painting in the attic. Reassuring in one way, but on the other hand Diana, being a girl, is madly curious to see how it turned out. And being no ordinary girl but a gothic heroine, thus never willingly seen to be lacking in pluck, she creeps upstairs at midnight to view the hidden artwork by the light of a single candle...
Las alumnas de madame Olga (José Ramón Larraz, Spain, 1981) (as Alumna)
La desnuda chica del relax (Ignacio F. Iquino, Spain, 1981)
# Esas chicas tan pu... (Ignacio F. Iquino, Spain, 1982) (featuring Diana Conca as Débora) ✭ ✭ ✭ ✭ ✭
Diana plays a young model who can't wait to pose naked for glamorous lesbian photographer Silvia Solar. In fact she steps out of her skirt right there in the office. 'Let me show you where the studio is' says the older woman tactfully leading her by the elbow. It's a very sophisticated office by the way; it even has a video entryphone - in colour! I reckon they faked the picture with a wing mirror from a Ford Transit. A fact interesting enough to mention, but not to include in the clip, hence the jerky editing.
While Silvia is detained a moment by her visitor Diana checks out the equipment in the studio. She's a bubbly and inquisitive little number and it's a miracle she doesn't actually break anything. Pubes combed and results checked in the mirror, suitably draped in a purple boa she's ready to spread herself for the camera lens on the sofa.
Diana keeps addressing her photographer as 'Madame', and if it wasn't established for a fact she's the proprietor of a very specialised brothel I'd say it was Spanish for 'Auntie'. For Diana plays up to her just like a spoilt niece. Greeting her in the morning by draping herself naked around her neck for instance. At least that's how I imagine spoilt young nieces treat their aunties (when they want cream cakes for tea that is).
Anyway, the photos duly taken they are drooled over by an older gentleman who someone on the set or in the editing suite was anxious to portray as some sort of creep. An assignation is arranged with Diana wherein said gent pretends to be a shoeshine boy (cf. El mirón - it must be a Spanish thing) who when over-excited buries his face between his customer's thighs. A diabolical liberty, but no need to get angry: the moment Diana's chair starts rocking backwards and forwards we guess this scene is intended to be lightheartedly humorous.
Entre paréntesis (Spain, 1982) (as Actriz de Disputa Matrimonial)
# Secta siniestra (Ignacio F. Iquino, Spain, 1982) (featuring Diana Conca as Elizabeth) ✭ ✭ ✭ ✭ ✭
Spanish hack director Ignacio Iquino could always be relied upon to be entertaining in his soft porn flicks (eg. Can You Handle Five Girls at Once?, La máscara, Las que empiezan a los quince años), but in this gothic horror he excels himself with a demented masterpiece in the classic 'eighties style.
Diana has gone barking mad before the film has even started and jealously gouges her husband's eyes out in the opening scene. And she's one of the good guys! But with her safely banged up in a mental hospital her blinded ex-husband is able to start afresh with attractive and down-to-earth Emma Quer.
But what's this, Diana escaped from the loony bin?! Heading straight home she soothes her helpless husband after he is attacked by bats, allowing him to stroke her naked breast and feel her scars. Meanwhile Concha Valero has breezed (or rather stormed) gothically into the house one dark night claiming to be a trained nurse. 'The bollox is that woman a nurse', muses wife Emma, but needs must when the Devil drives. Literally in this poor woman's case as she has been impregnated with the sperm of Satan (terrible mix-up at the fertility clinic).
Concha, looking and acting like Servalan from Blake's 7's delinquent little sister, rampages through the household committing all the abominations you could expect of her, and then some. But Diana is the first to come close to putting her on the back foot when she reverts to type and goes for Emma's eyes with the knitting needles. The monstrous midwife is on to her before you can say what-the-blazes-do-you-think-you're-doing-give-those-to-me and has chased her upstairs, presumably considering that puts an end to the matter.
What actually goes on to happen with Diana upstairs I'm not entirely sure, but I've heard tales of Hollywood actresses stripping naked and plastering their bodies with clippings of their best reviews before hanging themselves, and this may be an example. Whatever, she certainly startled that small boy, and even startled the ghastly Concha for a moment. A strange wind blows through the room and the papers flutter from the hanging corpse leaving her nearly naked. Enough to give anyone the creeps. But never mind, Concha is soon back in her stride, reaching for the nearest axe, and wondering where's-that-nasty-little-boy?
Victòria! La gran aventura d'un poble (Antoni Ribas, Spain, 1983)
Victòria! 2: La disbauxa del 17 (Antoni Ribas, Spain, 1983)
Las pícaras S01E03: La viuda valenciana (Francisco Regueiro, Spain, 1983) (as Lisarda)
# No me toques el pito que me irrito (Ricard Reguant, Spain, 1983) (featuring Diana Conca as Diana) ✭ ✭ ✭ ✭ ✭
Weak Spanish comedy based around the unappealing theme of a careworn sexologist's tiring day at the office (cf. En busca del polvo perdido). On second thoughts, having a flirty nurse chase our man around the surgery casting off her flimsy clothing (nice thought: technically it's a uniform) may be clichéd but still is not an entirely despicable idea. And Diana at her most cherubic is indeed worth sticking around for.
And so the laughs begin as soon as Doctor walks in the door: ha! ha! Nursie's bending over look! And ha! ha! she's got him on the couch look! And ha! ha! there's someone at the door look! And ha! ha! she's hiding under the desk look! And ha! ha! she's peeping out at the man's big willy look! What a nosy parker she is, ha ha!
El E.T.E. y el Oto (Manuel Esteba, Spain, 1983)
Una rosa al viento (Miguel Iglesias, Spain, 1984) (as Periodista 2)
Victòria! 3: El seny i la rauxa (Antoni Ribas, Spain, 1984)
Oliana Molls i l'astàlec de bronze S02E11: Ben dit i mal entès (Joan Guitart, 1985) (as Lindabelle)
Oliana Molls i l'astàlec de bronze S02E10: El cas de les hamburgueses (Joan Guitart, 1985) (as Lindabelle)
El amante bilingüe (Vicente Aranda, Spain, 1993)
Derangement Transtorno Mental (Vick Campbell, Spain, 2016)
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